Breathe me
by Lefttoconquer
Summary: She's not… She's not good. She's not always honest. She can be mean too. She can be unfair too. To him, to Finn, to herself. She's not better than Quinn. Not at all.


**Title:** Breathe me

**Genre: **Romance/drama/slightly angsty

**Ship: **Rachel/Sam

**Rating: **T +

**Summary: **She's not… She's not good. She's not always honest. She can be mean too. She can be unfair too. To him, to Finn, to herself. She's not better than Quinn. Not at all.

**Notes: **So, this might be confusing, but its moreso pieces that move up to Rachel's wedding. It's a look in the present and the past/ Kind of AU.

* * *

Sometimes she looks into the mirror and she's not glad at what she sees. It's not her appearance, her facial structure or her body. It's something else entirely. It's something that the mirror can't reveal. It's what is deemed worthy. What is most important. What twinkles behind her eyes. The heart. Her personality. And if anything, Rachel would rather be judged about the size of her heart than the size of her chest. Than the size of her nose or even her length. She's not the prettiest, but her heart has always been clean. She has always been honest. She has been told by the ones that love her that one day everyone will love her for who she is. And not for what she looks like.

On a certain day, at a certain period, in a moment of time, this had indeed happened.

Then, not long after, the color of her heart faded to a disgusting color of black.

It reeked and it stung, and her smile covered but her eyes explicit.

* * *

He watches her move down the aisle. The bouquet in her hands, the smile in place, her soon to be husband staring back at her and all her loved ones gathered at her sides.

She feels the sting of his eyes on her body. As if he is silently claiming her as his. His hazel eyes begging her to turn around, take his hand as if she's his Jane and he's her Peter Pan, and make their sweet escape. Away from Lima. Away from Ohio, and if possible, away from America. Just like the sweet love birds that they were (are). Just like he had promised her. But she smiles thoroughly, brightly, instead. Because this is, after all, going to be the happiest day of her life. Because this story was never about the fallen fool and the freak. This was about the lonesome star and the popular idiot.

He sheds a tear as she averts her eyes to the ceiling.

* * *

In a dark moment of time her lips had sought for his. Touched forbidden gold. And for a second there, time had actually stopped. He was frozen, and she had caught ice. And in her pain and struggle, in her search of punishing Quinn, of finding a way to hurt Finn as much as he had hurt her. She found fire. She found rebellion. Her lips moved, her body moved, his chest heaved his tongue seared. Across barriers of lies and deception, she had found relief.

In the beginning of her pain, she sought liberty and found him. Cladded in his own sorrow.

His green eyes fluttered open, upon the moment they had hit the bed.

It's to her belief that he had wanted to see every part of her before the truth caught up.

* * *

''You look beautiful.'' Santana assured. She forced a smile. A tight one. ''Accept it Berry, I won't ever say it again.''

The moment was bittersweet. The mirror a sheer liar.

Her beauty reflected in glass.

Her inside hidden behind layers of skin.

What she would give to have the courage to destroy the glass. Savor in the feel of the shattered shards biting into her skin. Making way for the truth.

''Thank you.''

And then she breathed. Once. Twice. And closed her eyes.

The words left her mouth. The thought of needing her former sworn enemy was different than her usual needs. ''I… I need to call… text… I need Quinn.''

She stumbled backwards. The weight of everything pushing her down.

* * *

''We don't speak about. We don't mention it. It never happened. Got it?''

In her haze of demolishing evidence, she had failed to see that flicker of hurt scattered in his eyes. But before either got the chance to actually regret their decisions, she walked away.

Her eyes caught his, her hand on the doorknob, her sight traveling over his naked, sheet, covered body.

_This was my retaliation._

And then she left. Left something far more broken on a bed.

* * *

''We are gathered here tonight, to celebrate the holy matrimony of these two souls. Finn Andrew Hudson and Rachel Barbra Berry.''

Finn grasps her tiny hand, tighter.

The words are vague. His mouthed 'I love you' goes into death man's ears. Soars along unseen eyes.

* * *

Then he left.

Walked out of her life with his parents at tow.

And she swears; if he had only asked her, she would've done anything in her power to make him stay.

* * *

Getting back together with Finn went against all her odds. In her book, she had never expected this reconciliation. A part of her was done. But a bigger part relished into the eyes of the beholder. The girl that was the male-factor. She shuddered. Felt some kind of happiness.

The rest was unspoken for. Everyone else was purposely ignored.

* * *

_He came back_.

(She likes to think that it was for her.)

* * *

It was never her intention to pollute her heart.

But he smiled at her. Took her hand, and guided her up to his room.

He whispered; ''Artie's not here…''

And she responded; ''would it have mattered?''

Secretly it would have. But the idea of being with him another time was thrilling.

* * *

''You're going to marry him?'' He spoke with such venom, so much anger. ''I don't love you anymore.''

But that was a lie. A cruel, heart wrenching, childisch lie. And the fact that he had the nerve to say it in her face was uncalled for.

''_Sam –_'' her lips never finished her sentence before she found herself on the piano. Him between her legs, his lips on hers and the taste of bitter tears soaking into her mouth.

But they weren't hers.

He fumbled and pulled and she cried. And in every thrust, in every stroke of his hesitated, frightened tongue, she found more to be sad for. Her hand touched his golden locks, forced him closer, forced him to comply. As though love had never become an issue. As if this was lust and nothing more. The world tumbled and turned, his fingers leaving her sides as he cried out in ecstasy, leaning his head against her shoulder. His teeth bit down, sucking hard.

He came up to look into her eyes; revealing that which she feared to see.

Her face scrunched up, a familiar scoring sensation behind her throat. But she pushed him off before he ever saw what no one had ever witnessed._ This is my __expiation. _She pulled the strings of her dress over her shoulders, turned her back away from his wandering eyes, as her face sunk deeper.

* * *

''If anyone has a reason why these two should not be together, speak now, or forever hold your peace.''

* * *

Sometimes she stares into the mirror and wonders where it all went wrong. How one action had determined her self-worth. How she had let someone change the course of her future.

Sam spoke about unnatural things. About running away. Leaving Finn behind. He spoke about things that a girl of eighteen has long ago given up on. The thought of actually living a fairytale life was not set up for her. She had bigger plans. A larger future. Eventually she belonged with the stars. But his tongue uttered things that a girl couldn't help but imagine. He promised her the sky.

And slowly she had begun to fall.

* * *

He rises from his seat.

He steps forward.

He earns eyes.

One blink.

Two words.

And what was once stable.

_Destroyed._

''I object!''

* * *

Her phone starts beeping with an incoming text.

* * *

_**End.**_

**This kind of needed to get out of my system. He-he. Really rough and stuff…. But… yeah.**

**I hope you liked it!**


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